Nine Daffynitions of 999

Anyone of you ever thought of dialing 999 for help in solving some of your elementary math problems? Well, you never know! There might be some bored police personnel on night duty longing for a change in handling the usually boring calls related to ambulance, fire, and robbery.

In fact, in the name of productivity it's not a far-fetched idea to recruit policemen and women who can also render numerical assistance to their mathematically challenged callers, especially in the middle of the night when there're fewer emergency calls, and when these bored (or boring?) staff tend to doze off often.

Traditionally, a number of developed and developing countries have inherited a mathematically challenged police force. May each country or county be blessed with better-educated police personnel who are confident to handle complex real-life problems, whose solutions often requiring an above-average logical and rational mind.

Here are nine extra-definitional meanings of 999.

9. Police on fire calling for ambulance

8. Police firing at stolen ambulance

7. Police chasing ambulance on fire

6. Ambulance ferrying police on fire

5. Ambulance on fire injuring police

4. Ambulance and police both on fire

3. Police in stolen ambulance on fire

2. Police looking for fired ambulance

1. Fired police in ambulance on fire

What's your definition (or daffynition) of 999? Share yours with the rest of us.

Nitely yours


© Yan Kow Cheong, September 2, 2010

Ten Daffynitions of a Calculator

YKC's Ten Daffynitions of a Calculator

Daffynitions are toss-off definitions, which are basically rib-nudging, brain-tickling one-liners. Let's look at these infuriating, "anti-Websterisms" when applied to a calculator.

1. A battery- or solar-powered electronic version of the abacus.

2. A Christmas toy for those who are prone to breaking things.

3. A brain-substitute device for performing mental calculation.

4. A toy for atrophying one’s mental faculties for doing arithmetic.

5. A God-sent tool over the once indispensable log tables and the slide rule.

6. An affordable collector’s tech-item for pubescent geeks.

7. A banned gadget in many schools but seldom used by government officials.

8. A tool that helps to promote innumeracy if used excessively or indiscriminately.

9. An inexpensive gadget that reduces the drudgery of repetitive or tedious calculations.

10. A piece of technology with near-zero progress in its design and functionality.

What's your daffynition of the modern-day abacus?

The Devil’s Mathematics Dictionary

Calculator: A device designed to teach students that a^b is the same as a x 10^b.